Red vs Blue: Deconstruction
by The Emo and the Psycho
Summary: What happens when 2 Freelancers visit and cause hell on the teams? Read and find out! One-shot. Rated T to be safe.


Note: This will be in a play-like format since Red vs Blue is sorta like a show with voice actors playing a video game... ENJOY!

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Red and Blue Team had nothing better to do, so they decided to set aside their differences for now and decided to play a normal game of Poker… So far, surprising results were occurring…

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Church: …

Tucker: …

Caboose: I AM WINNING!

Church: -Thinking: "This idiot is winning! What the fuck?"

Sergeant: You stinking Blue! I bet you are cheating! -Pointing at Caboose.-

Grif: I quit.

Sergeant: YOU TRAITOR!

Simmons: I will stay Serge!

Sergeant: See? A fine soldier like Simmons is what we need!

Grif: -Thinking: "This douche bag only wants a promotion…".-

Sister: … I quit too!

Tucker: What the fuck?! Stay in the game!

Sister: But I am losing!

Tucker: So? At least we have better chances to win!

Church: Idiot, this is Poker, not a game of war.

Tucker: Oh… uh… I was meaning for this change to a game of Strip Poker so we could see Sister naked… BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!

Everyone: … -Thinking at the same time: "Idiot…".-

-The wall bursts into pieces.-

Church: Holy shit! What the fuck! They just had to blow up the Blue base! That fucker!

Stranger: OKAY! WHO THE FUCK WENT OUT WITH MY SISTER?

Church: What the fuck? Who do you mean by that?

Stranger: I AM TALKING ABOUT MY SISTER TEX!

Church: Uh, that was me.

Stranger: YOU FUCKER! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR DATING HER! -Jump at him.-

Another Stranger: -Grab him, stopping him from attacking Church.- Sorry about his behavior. We are Freelancers. I am Agent New York. This one here is Agent Nevada.

-Agent New York and Nevada both wore pitch-black armors, and had Spartan Lasers on their backs.-

Church: Why the fuck are you here, and why did you blow up my base's wall! Why the fuck did you not destroy the Red Team's base!

New York: Mainly because he was searching Blue Team since he found out one of you guys dated his sister, Agent Texas.

Church: -Grumble: "Next time we wanna play Poker, we play in Red Team's base…".-

Nevada: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY! -Trying to escape the grip to attack Church.-

New York: CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR I SHOW YOU SOMETHING VERY FUCKING SICK LIKE I DID LAST TIME!

Nevada: NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

New York: THEN CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Church: Can you just get the fuck out? I hate you fucking Freelancers, and when I say that, I mean every last one of you.

New York: Sorry, but we were sent here to keep an eye on you guys.

Church: Why the fuck would that be? -Pointing his Sniper Rifle at the Freelancers.-

New York: You are being suspected of being traitors -Lying.-

Church: Okay, what the fuck?

Caboose: -Whistling innocently.-

Tucker: ITS CABOOSE! HE WAS A FUCKING TEAM KILLER SEVERAL YEARS AGO!

Caboose: IT WAS NOT ME! Church was in my way! -Pointing at Church, meanwhile Tucker is pointing at Caboose.-

Church: … -Pointed at Sister.-

Sister: What the fuck! I was not here that whole time! -Point at Tucker.-

New York: Know what? I just realized that this whole thing is fucking pointless! You guys are just pointing at each other!

Nevada: CAN I FUCKING KILL THEM NOW?!

New York: -Sighing.- Not just yet…

Nevada: WHY NOT!

New York: We have to keep a watch on them, dumb ass -Whisper to him: "This is just to scare them, then afterwards we can torture them, alright?".-

Nevada: … FINE THEN!

New York: Good. Now then, as for you guys, we will be splitting up into two. I will keep a watch on Red Team, meanwhile he will keep a watch on Blue Team. Got it?

Church: WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO BE WATCHED?!

New York: Because I fucking said so, as well as Command.

Church: Lousy, Freelancer mother fuckers… -Grumbling.-

New York: -Point his Spartan Laser at Church.- Continue the fucking grumbling and I will fucking kill you.

Church: Fine!

Tucker: Whoa, I think I like this guy!

Tex: Okay, what the fuck… Brother? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE!

Nevada: SISTER! -Jump to glomp her.-

Tex: -Block with a barrier.- You still have that fucking sister-complex of yours…

Nevada: -Sniffle.- Let me in! I just want to hug you! And then kill your ex boyfriend!

Tex: What the fuck? You do not need to kill him, I'm already pissed off at him already.

Nevada: BUT HE DATED YOU! THAT GIVES ME **MY** REASON TO FUCKING KILL HIM!

Tex: Still, too bad.

Nevada: Fine.

Tex: You become friends with him, or I kick you out.

Nevada: Why should I be friends with **him**!

Tex: Because I will fucking kill you if you don't

Nevada: … Fine.

Tex: Good boy.

Nevada: -Look at Church, growling.-

Tucker: Whoa, and I still got a chance to check out her ass! That's how good I am!

Nevada; YOU FUCKER! -Tackle Tucker to the ground, ready to beat the shit out of him.-

Tucker: WHAT THE FUCK?! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

Nevada: YOU BETTER STOP LOOKING AT MY SISTER THE WRONG FUCKING WAY!

Tucker: What fuck! Fine! Sheesh!

Nevada: Good.

New York: -Sigh.- This is going to be a long day…

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-0400 hours later…-

New York, and all of Red Team were having training practice together. All of Red Team vs. New York by himself…

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New York: You get the gist of this training, correct?

Sergeant: You can't boss us around! What rank are you?!

New York: I am a fucking Colonel, okay?

Sergeant: Holy shit…

Grif: Oh, so now he's the boss?

Simmons: Sir, it is an honor to train with you, sir!

New York: Shut the fuck up you fucking kiss up.

Simmons: Yes sir!

New York: … Why did I choose to watch you guys now?

Sergeant: You never explained as to why that was.

New York: Whatever, just start attacking me.

Simmons: Sir, yes, sir. -Point his Sniper Rifle at New York.-

Sergeant: -Point his Sniper Rifle at New York as well.-

Grif: Fine with me, but if you die it is not my fault -Pointed a Spartan Laser at him.-

New York: Wait, what the fuck?! Did you steal that from me?!

Grif: -Whistling innocently.- Maybe

New York: Gah, whatever, just fucking shoot.

-All of the Red Team shoot their weapons.

New York: -Dodge roll and point two Spartan Lasers at them, already charging.-

Red Team: Huh? -Look at him.-

New York: Bye bye idiots! -The Spartan Lasers fire at them.-

Grif: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! RUN AWAY! -Runs off.-

Simmons: …Oh shit.

Sergeant: STAND YOUR GROUND SOLDIERS!

-The Lasers from the Spartan Lasers engulfed the entire Red Team, causing an explosion.-

-The explosion cleared, revealing the Red Team perfectly fine without damage at all.-

Grif: Why the fuck are we still alive?

New York: Idiots, I set it on safety. You would have died that moment if you had not frozen in terror.

Simmons: Thank you for not killing us sir!

New York: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING KISS UP FUCK FACE!

Simmons: Sorry si--

New York: JUST FUCKING CALL ME NEW YORK! I HAVE HAD IT WITH BEING CALLED 'SIR'.

Simmons: Sorry again si-- I mean, sorry, New York.

Sergeant: Why in the hell did you not try to kill Grif!

Grif: Ugh, why didn't you try to kill Serge?

New York: Because you idiots somehow manage to get your asses kicked to easily, so know what? I am going to personally train you so that you can kill the fucking Blue Team. Aside from that… Grif, give me my fucking Spartan Laser back. -Extend arm out with hand open, waiting for his Spartan Laser to be brought back.-

Grif: … -Run off with it.-

New York: … Fucking fuck face ran off with it… oh well, there's more where that came from. -Shrug.-

Sergeant: …

New York: I am bored now, so training will start… NOW!

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Church: We got stuck with the fucking psychopath, Nevada…

Tucker: Yup, looks like the only girl here that I can check out is Sister.

Church: Do that, and Grif will fucking kill you.

Tucker: Damnit! So I can't check out any of the girls around here?

Church: Not unless we were back on Earth.

Tucker: Fuck!

Church: Oh well, too bad mother fucker.

-Meanwhile in Sister's room, Nevada was hitting on Sister for no reason whatsoever.-

Tex: Nevada, what the fuck are you doing?

Nevada: Er!

Sister: Nothing! -Leg armor off and censored by black censor bars.-

Tex: Please tell me I am just having a nightmare…

Nevada: Yes! You are having a nightmare! You will wake up if you walk right into you room and go to sleep!

Tex: This **is** my room you fucking idiot.

Nevada: … Shit! -Grab Sister's hand and leg armor.- BYE! -Drag her out.-

Tex: Ugh, why did I get stuck with my crazy brother? At least that New York guy should have stayed, he seemed a bit more nicer…

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-Meanwhile at Red base…-

New York: -Sneeze.- What the fuck?

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-0200 hours later…-

-Nevada decided to train the Blue Team since he had nothing better to do…-

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Nevada: Alright idiots, time for me to test out your abilities as warriors.

Church: Why the fuck do we have to do this?

Nevada: Because I am bored and I need something fun to do.

Church: Fine… -Turn to Tucker.- -Whisper to him: "We kill him when I fire, got it?".-

Tucker: What the fuck? What if we miss and he gets pissed at us?

Caboose: MY NAME IS CABOOSE!

Church: WE ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT!

Caboose: I was telling that to Neva… Neva… Neva… Oregon!

Nevada: … IT IS FUCKING NEVADA! IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO SAY!

Caboose: Sorry sir! It was Church's fault! He made me forget!

Church: WHAT THE FUCK! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!

Nevada: EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW AND START THE TRAINING! Church, I will give you several free shots at me.

Church: Oh trust me, I am very good with the Sniper Rifle.

Nevada: Okay, then I will use a Sniper Rifle as well -Pull out a Sniper Rifle from his back.-

Church: BOO MOTHER FUCKER! -Aimed and shot.-

-The Bullet flew right past Nevada, 5 meters to his right.-

Nevada: -Look at the bullet flying.- You dumb ass, you missed me by a fucking mile. TRY AGAIN!

Church: DAMNIT! -Shot even more shots at Nevada, all of them missing by miles.-

Nevada: FUCKER! TRY TO FUCKING HIT ME!

Tucker: Boo you suck, give me the Sniper Rifle now!

Church: SHUT THE FUCK UP! -Shot again.-

Nevada: -Thought: "Its heading in my direction!".- -The bullet went right through his armor as if he were a ghost.- -Yawn.- What was that supposed to do to me?

Church: HUH?! WHAT THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT IT HIT YOU BUT IT JUST WENT RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

Nevada: Maybe that's because you suck ass through a bendy straw on a hot summer's day.

Church: FUCK YOU! -Shot even more times, now running out of ammo.-

-All of the bullets slipped right through Nevada yet again.-

Nevada: -Scratch his belly.- You missed me…

Tucker: HIYA! -Attack from behind with the Energy Sword.-

Nevada: -Dodge roll at the last second and whirl around.- -Shot Tucker on both his legs twice per leg.-

Tucker: AW SHIT! -Fall to the ground.-

Nevada: Anyone else wish to try to fight me? -Look at Caboose and Sister.-

Sister: I don't fight, what the fuck!

Caboose: Uh… MY NAME IS CABOOSE! -Run away.-

Nevada: Ugh, this really is a pathetic team. I bet Red Team probably beats your asses on a daily basis.

Church: Not really, they're all losers who don't fight too well.

Nevada: … Then I stand corrected… Aside from that, you guys really do suck compared to a Freelancer like me. Why the fuck is that?

Church: Why the fuck would I know? All I know is that our commander was killed in action and we went leaderless for a while.

Nevada: For a while? Then who the fuck is leader now?

Church: Me?

Nevada: Oh fuck no, you may as well have **Sister** be the freaking commander and she would do a better job than you.

Church: You fucking fuck face.

Nevada: I fucking hate you too, got a problem with that? Wanna fight about it?

Church: …

Nevada: -Point a Spartan Laser at him as well as a Sniper Rifle.- Hm?

Church: Fuck this. I'm outta here. -Walks away.-

Tucker: NO! DON'T LEAVE US WITH THIS PSYCHOPATH!

Church: -Come out as a ghost, dropping his armor.-

Nevada: AHA! I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOU FROM WASHINGTON'S REPORTS! YOU ARE ALPHA!

Church: No, I am not a fucking AI. I am a mother fucking ghost…

Nevada: So you believe you are a spirit, and that makes more sense than you being an AI?

Church: Fuck yeah, at least it sounds less nerdy. BOO MOTHER FUCKER!

Nevada: -Fake scream and flailing arms in terror.-

Church: Fuck face. -Walk away.-

Nevada: Oh well. Since I still don't like you -Pull his Spartan Laser off from his back.- -Point his Spartan Laser at Church's body.- BYE BYE! -Pulls the trigger, the body engulfed by the blast from the Spartan Laser.-

Church: WHAT THE FUCK!

Nevada: Shut the fuck up ya fucking ghost.

Church: FUCK YOU! -Jump into Nevada's body, possessing him.-

-Church looked around, seeing himself inside of a empty place with nothing.-

Church: What the fuck? There's nothing here… is he really **that** stupid? He has no brain like Caboose!

Echoing Voice That Belongs To Nevada: FUCK YOU! I CAN AT LEAST FUCKING THINK!

Church: Holy shit with shit faced horses!

Nevada's Voice: Heh? GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY BODY YOU FUCKING GHOST!

Church: Hell the fuck no. You blew up my body. Fucktard.

Nevada's Voice: If you do not get the fuck out, I will fucking force you the fuck out!

Church: I would like to see you fucking try!

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-Meanwhile at Red Team's base, there were many craters from Spartan Laser blasts. Red Team was training New York, and getting their asses owned by him!-

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Grif: WHAT THE FUCK!

New York: You guys are fucking idiots…

Sergeant: Why is there such a different between you and I?!

New York: I told you I am a fucking Colonel. Get that through your thick fucking skulls. Now then, try to learn what I can do so you can fucking kill Blue Team. They are probably training with Nevada.

Simmons: -Gasp.- Those bastards!

New York: … That is why I am fucking training every last one of you down to the fucking bone.

Grif: THEN FUCKING TRAIN THEM WHILE I GO TO SLEEP!

New York: Know what? Since you have my Spartan Laser, I would like you to try and shoot me right now with it.

Grif: What the fuck?

New York: I'm bored, so shoot me with the damn thing. Trust me, I will fucking live, even if you set it to the highest setting possible on it.

Grif: I set it to ultra-turbo-ultimate-blasting mode! -Made that up on the spot.-

New York: What the fuck!

Grif: -Pull trigger and a large laser blast comes out, aiming to hit New York.-

New York: …

-The blast somehow was deflected back at Grif, and Grif jumped out of the way yelling "HOLY COW FUCKING SHIT!".-

New York: -Yawn.-

Sergeant: What in Sam Hell just happened here?

New York: That's my armor's ability…

Sergeant: Heh?

New York: I can temporarily create anything on my body, or a weapon on my body. It stays for a good 35 seconds and then it will disappear.

Grif: So can you…? You know.

New York: You have a sick fucking mind, but yes.

Grif: Awesome.

New York: -Checking over some papers.- Wait, where the fuck is Donuts?

Donuts: -Runs in out of nowhere.- YOU FUCKING FUCK FACE!

New York: Oh yeah, I left him back at base… whoops.

Donuts: I… fucking… hate you! What the fuck! You left me back at the fucking base!

Nevada: What the fuck just happened here? -Walked in out of nowhere with the Blues.-

Sergeant: Why are the dang dirty Blues here?!

Nevada: I decided to make them fight you guys, fucking Reds.

Simmons: Ready to fight when needed sir!

Nevada: Fucking kiss up… I hate them! -Point a Sniper Rifle at them.-

Tucker: Wait, what happened to Church? I thought he possessed you.

Nevada: Not when I used the bathroom…

Sister: YUCK! GROSS WHAT THE FUCK!

Nevada: Well, too fucking bad.

Tex: Am I included in anyway?

Nevada: Well, if they look at you or shoot you, they are kinda going to get shot somewhere precious. -Look around as if on crack.-

Tex: -Sigh.-

New York: THEN RED TEAM! Start fighting! -Grabs Nevada and Tex, dragging them away.-

Tex: LET ME GO!

Nevada: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU SINCE YOU ARE TOUCHING MY SISTER!

New York: Shut the fuck up! -Explosions go off in the background.-

Sergeant's Voice: YOU DIRTY BLUES! PREPARE TO DIE!

Tucker's Voice: FUCK YOU! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW!

Caboose's: -Running away.-

Sister's: -Somehow getting lucky headshots.-

Grif's Voice: WHAT THE FUCK! -Shot in the head.- SON OF A BITCH!

Announcer From Mortal Kombat: Death! Flawless Victory!

Sergeant's Voice: What the fuck?!

-Spanish Music starts to play out of nowhere.-

New York: What the fuck?! SPANISH MUSIC! Must… resist… destroying… Spanish… music! -Sees a Freelancer.- HEY! IT'S A TRAITOR!

Freelancer: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

New York: I only said that as a joke, and yet you just now told me… So I figured you out! Hooray!

Freelancer: YOU FUCK FACE!

New York: What's your codename anyway?

Freelancer: Since you are going to die, I will say it. My name is Agent New Jersey.

New York: New-Fucking-Jersey? I HATE THAT FUCKING STATE!

New Jersey: Too bad! -Point Sniper Rifles at New York and pull the triggers, sending bullets at him.-

New York: -The bullets bounce off as if they were just paperweight.- What the fuck was that supposed to do?

New Jersey: FUCK!

New York: Should I do it, or should I leave it to-- -Was cut off by a Spartan Laser blast firing, zipping right by him and flying at New Jersey.-

New Jersey: FUCKING SHIT! -Jump out of the way.-

Nevada: HELL FUCKING YEAH I WILL TAKE THE CHANCE TO KILL THIS MOTHER FUCKER!

Tex: Did I forget to mention that he's a sadistic bastard?

New York: I knew that the day I was partnered with him on this mission.

Tex: Wait, so this whole thing wasn't a lie?

New York: At first I was lying about there being a traitor among the Reds and Blues, but I was really talking about this guy. -While he was talking, random explosions were occurring due to the fight between New Jersey and Nevada.-

Tex: So you used everyone?

New York: Well, if you wanna be **that** basic, then yes. Yes I did.

Tex: Wow, you guys are really some cold mother fuckers, you know that?

New York: I know. Hey, Nevada. Are you done yet?

Nevada: HELL THE FUCK NO! I AM HAVING FUN! -Bullets are flying right through him while he kept savagely swinging an Energy Sword he stole from Blue Base.-

New York: Wow, I think he's having fun…

Tex: Yes, I can see that… (Note: If this was an anime, then everyone would have sweat dropped! -Laugh.-)

Nevada: -The energy blade comes into contact the with the armor, but then it turned to dust.- WHAT THE FUCK?

New Jersey: Close contact won't do shit to me fuck face! Physical attacks, as long as I know about it, will be turned to dust as soon as it comes into contact with me!

Nevada: FUCK YOU!

New York: MOVEMENT ALPHA! -Fired a Spartan Laser in the direction of Nevada.-

Nevada: WHO THE FUCK LET YOU TAKE ORDERS!

New York: JUST DO THE FUCKING THING!

-The laser passed right through Nevada.-

New Jersey: WHAT THE FUCK?! -Jump in the air to dodge.-

Nevada: -Jumped from the laser blast that only slipped right through him.- -Melee New Jersey to knock him back down to the laser blast.-

New Jersey: -Screaming in pain.-

New York: Well, mission complete. We can go home now…

Nevada: HOORAY!

New York: -Sigh.- In the end, this was just fucking boring… did you remember to do **that** while you were in Blue Base?

Nevada: Yes, did you?

New York: All over the fucking place!

Nevada: YAY!

Tex: Huh?

Nevada: Do I do it?

New York: Go right ahead.

Nevada: -Glomp Tex and melee her, knocking her out.-

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-0800 hours later…-

-New York, Nevada and a kidnapped Tex were now away from Blood Gulch where Red and Blue Team were still trying to kick each other's asses. Many explosions occurred, meaning their war had not ended.-

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New York: Do you wish to do the honors?

Nevada: Nah, I should let you do it today!

Tex: -Muffled, cursing in muffle.-

New York: -Press on a big red button.- BYE BYE BLOOD GULCH BASTARDS!

-Blood Gulch suddenly exploded to hell, leaving nothing but a large crater of what used to be Blood Gulch.-

Nevada: BOOM!

New York: -Yawn.- I am bored now… Lets go on to other places!

Nevada: Sure, why not! -Run off with New York, dragging Tex away.-

**_AND THAT WAS HOW RED vs. BLUE ENDED! Well… in our imagination anyway!_**

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Author's Note: THIS WAS FUN! We will be doing more serious fictions later on, just keep waiting for us!

Tyki: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!

Nevada: -Melee Tyki, killing him without a problem.- NOW IT IS **MY** ABILITY ONLY! YAY!

Author: -Sweat drop.-

**_End of one-shot…_**


End file.
